do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
