I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
