...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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