im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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