There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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