I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
