dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
