All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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