walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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