You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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