Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
