captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
