when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
