I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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