The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
whose parrot is this?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
