So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
