I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
