My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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