Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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