I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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