i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
