Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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