woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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