saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
