I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
