the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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