My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
