ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
