I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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