Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
