stop calling my apartment porn island.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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