either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
