bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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