Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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