everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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