Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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