Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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