sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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