please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
farters have to be the big spoon...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
