so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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