I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
