He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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