do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
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