matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
