i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
