Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
