The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
