wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
