hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
is it fun? or sober?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
