whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
